Tapping out

On my Feedly Reader, I’ve set up 10 parenthood blogs for inspiration – 9 written by fathers and 1 by a mother – of which maybe only 5 post regularly. I really enjoy reading them. They encourage me to spend more quality time with my children and give me ideas on how to raise them.

A couple of days ago, I opened up my Reader to find that one of the fathers had just divorced his wife. This means that out of the 5 active blogs, 2 of them had divorces during the time I was reading them, and another 1 started the blog as single dad but just recently ended a serious relationship with his girlfriend.

Somehow, reading his divorce story affected me. He had ‘tapped out’ two years ago. His wife still wanted to try make it work; he didn’t. And it really hit me that such a large percentage of the more popular parenthood blogs I read don’t have parents who stayed together.

These are awesome parents. Unless what they share on their blogs practically on a daily basis is a complete fabrication of words, pictures and videos, they are truly amazing with their kids. The smiles in the pictures and the laughs in the videos from their children are real, and they definitely spend a ton of quality time together. For quite a few of them, their blog is their entire job and career supporting their families.

I’m just wondering what the implications of this are.

Do you need to have a stable marriage in order to be a good parent?

Can the concept of parenthood be so easily and cleanly separated from that of a spouse?

In that case, would it make any difference if a single person decided to adopt and parent a child?

I’m not trying to judge single parents or married parents who decided to divorce, or even those who adopt children, whether single or married. I’m just trying to understand whether we, as a society, have differentiated out the meaning of parenthood so much so that being in a strong marriage is not necessarily part of the equation of what makes a great parent.

And I’m trying to process what that would mean to me.

Is parenthood far more sacred than the covenant of marriage today?

There are already so many sitcoms which present vastly imperfect and dysfunctional family settings. We all laugh at them because on some level some of us can relate to it, and it actually makes us feel better to see situations that are more messed up than what we face.

But sometimes I wonder if it’s to the extent that we glorify these imperfections and begin to treat them as the common reality rather than just those days and seasons where the yoghurt really hits the fan.

And even when we take out the children for quality time, because of the nature of how busy we are as parents, many times it’s only one parent. Sarah’s off day is Monday so she might take Nat out to the mall for shopping while I’m at work. She works on weekends, so I might take the kids out for breakfast and a walk on Sunday morning without her.

When I see most of the pictures on the blogs I read, they are either only of the children, or even if a parent is in them, it’s a ‘selfie’ rather than the depiction of a fun family experience with both parents present.

I’ve just shared out my thoughts on this without thinking it through so this post may not really have a coherent flow but I’m going to end it with my conclusions for my life.

I think that if my parents divorced when I was younger, it would probably be singlehandedly the most painful and disruptive experience in my childhood. Even if they were to divorce today, I would be completely shaken and it would grieve me greatly. Whether I agreed with all their methods of raising me, they have formed the foundation of all I am, both in what they taught me and in what they showed me.

It’s not even that they shielded me from the reality and truth that divorce happens, but they gave me a hope that it was possible to reach for something better – to work through a solid marriage with my wife and that things can get better as you grow old together.

And my hope is that I never prioritise my children over my wife or believe that they are more worthy of my attention and affection. I could never be the father that I want to be without her holding my hand every step of the way.

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Fairy tales

Wife: Do you think that fairy tales and Disney cartoons screwed us all over?

Me: (Raises eyebrows) That’s random. Whatever do you mean?

Wife: You know, about love. Prince charming, love at first sight, happily ever after…

Me: (Acting flabbergasted) You mean our love is not as romantic as in fairy tales?????

Wife: (Rolling eyes) Loooovvveeee, seriously…

Me: (Long pause) No, I don’t think we were screwed over. I think there’s a place for fairy tales. Before my kids are beaten down by the cruel ‘realities’ that life brings, I want them to be able to hope in something better. I want them to develop a strong sense of wonder for the things around them. I want them to dream, to imagine, to be curious of possibilities, and not to be constrained by how bleak things look in the present. I think they’ll be more open minded and creative if scepticism doesn’t eat them up from too young an age.

Wife: (Not looking convinced) Go on…

Me: And besides, I’m pretty sure that before they even start dating, I will be telling our daughters all the horrible things about guys that will scare them from dating until they’re 40…There’s plenty of time for them to face disappointment as they grow older. It’s inevitable. People feel that you protect your children from these disappointments by telling them the tough truth from the beginning so that they don’t have any unrealistic expectations. But I feel that it’s also important to build up a core of hope and optimism that they can turn to when the chips are down.

Wife: Well, you have a point but some of the messages in fairy tales and Disney cartoons are still a little disturbing.

Me: I guess we just have to try to find a right balance and trust that our children will be able to differentiate between fact and fantasy as they grow up, and be able to still retain a sense of wonder about life.

Wife: (Suddenly feeling the weight of responsibility of raising the kids) Yeah, I guess…

Me: And to a certain extent, it’s a bit like our faith. We persistently hold on to the belief that things are going to be all right no matter how bad the circumstances are. We believe that God will turn things around and work all things for the good of those who love Him. We believe in a higher standard of love, conduct and truth, which are universal and unchanging through time. We believe in things we don’t tangibly see and touch, we believe in miracles, every single day as Christians.


First of all, I know it’s difficult to believe that my wife would use the word “screwed” but that’s not a fairy tale; she really did. It must have slipped out accidentally so please try not to talk to her about it...Secondly, the conversation above seems to imply that in my discussions with my wife, I talk a lot more than her. That is completely untrue…well, OK, maybe it’s slightly true. Sometimes. But back to the topic.

I’ve started noticing a trend where many parents are very caught up with revealing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help them God. Many people experience crushing disappointments growing up and attribute it to believing in these romantic notions which were instilled in them from their exposure to fairy tales from a young age.

I recently watched short clip entitled “Mothers are the biggest liars in the world”. In the video, a mother lies to her son throughout that she’s not tired as she’s going through laborious work, that she’s not hungry so that he can have more to eat, and so on. And it touched me because all through my childhood, I’ve seen instances of my own mother hiding her own hurt and challenges in order to help us kids.

But as I read through some of the comments related to the clip, I saw so many comments from mothers stating things like, “I’d never lie to my children”, “they deserve to know the truth about life”, and “the truth will help them grow to be responsible adults”. There were stories shared about how some of them trusted their parents and then felt betrayed later on, and how expectations were built up only to set them up for disappointment later on.

And they all do have a point. I don’t want my children to grow up with their head in the clouds, believing that only good people exist and thinking life should be easy. But I also want them to grow up with a strong capacity to hope for a better reality, to know that there are so many possibilities in life to reach for courageously, and to hold on to good principles and standards even if they are different from what they see every day in the world.

It’s going to be a tricky line to walk. But at some point, I need to also let go and trust that they will make the right decisions and strike the right balance for themselves.

So I'm leaning a lot more towards exposing my kids to these stories as they grow up. What about you? Are you going to let your children grow up on fairy tales and the old Disney cartoons?

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A love song

Wow. This is amazing.

A 96-year-old man writes a song for his wife who passed away a year ago. Realising that he didn't have the musical talent to bring it to life, he decided to submit it to a studio where he saw an ad for a singer-songwriting competition. Touched by his story, the studio decides to produce the song professionally.

This short documentary captures the process.

Oh Sweet Lorraine
I wish we could do
The good times
All over again

Oh sweet Lorraine
Life only goes around
Once
But never again

Oh sweet Lorraine
I wish we could do
All the good times all over
Again

My memories will always
Linger on
Oh sweet Lorraine

The memories will
Always linger on

I have to be honest - when the song started, I struggled to hold back tears and had goosebumps all over. It so beautifully captured the man's last love letter to his wife of 75 years who in his words, is "the prettiest girl [he] ever saw".

I hope that Sarah and I continue to enjoy and appreciate the good times in our lives together through every season. There's no other person in the world I could imagine growing old with and building a family together.

I thank God every time I remember that it was He who brought us together, and I'm so grateful.

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Father's Day

Father’s Day felt special for me this year. Nothing particularly significant happened during the weekend and I don’t think it’s attributed to any single factor, but I had a good one for a variety of reasons.

The weekend was about family

My company actually had a trip to a beach resort during the weekend and I had told them from the beginning that I couldn’t make it since I wanted to be home to help with the baby. I hadn’t realised it was Father’s Day weekend but I’m glad I stayed back.

Saturday started with a 6:30am 10km run with my father. As I ran alongside him, it really hit me suddenly how grateful I am that my parents are healthy and able to fully enjoy life and relationships. Then at night, there was a dinner with the wife’s side of the family.

On Sunday, my sister and brother-in-law visited, and we had a big dinner with my mom’s side of the family, along with my only surviving grandparents. It was wonderful to be able to bring Nat and see her interact with them, four generations apart!

I have an awesome father

I’m not shy to brag that no other dad compares to mine. I’ve never met a person who demonstrates more grace – no matter how much he gets backstabbed or cheated in the past, I’ve never once heard him judge the person or complain. There is absolutely no maliciousness in his nature at all.

And he has lived a life of sacrifice, always believing that you need to give your best in everything you do, and to strive for excellence no matter how small the task is. Even though he would be exhausted from work, he would spend time with each of us to take us through our schoolwork in the evenings, and take us out for sports and exercise every weekend.

Not once has he not given his family the very best he could in every way. And this is why, he’s always been my hero. There is honestly no one else I look up to more.

My two little munchkins

Spending time with them brings me joy like I’ve never experienced before. The sacrifice and tiredness that comes with parenthood is very real, but the purpose and richness that is added to daily life is immeasurable. To have people in your life that you would be willing to do anything and give everything is profoundly meaningful.

And it brings a new level of depth to the love and relationship between my wife and I as well. This is not to say that our relationship prior to having kids was shallow or superficial at all. But kids inevitably bring a new dimension – when I see her stay up through the night to monitor Nat’s temperature and when I cringe as I see her breastfeed Sam in the second week with cracked and bleeding nipples, I can’t help but fall more in love with my wife.

My Father in heaven

God has been so good in every way. Life has not often been smooth or easy, and many of the lessons I had to learn were exceedingly painful. But He’s been there throughout and having an unshakeable, infallible and unchanging point of reference has made all the difference for me.

I managed to make it to church for the first time since Sam was born and was reminded so strongly of the Father’s love for us. It meant so much to me that I could walk up to the altar with my earthly dad during the service, and stand and pray together as fathers. It was an important affirmation because there are still so many moments I feel so inadequate and insufficient as a husband and a father, and wish that I could be stronger or more mature.

So there you have it – four key reasons why I Father’s Day weekend was significant to me this year.

I leave you with three short advertisements that came out for the weekend that made me smile.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

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The different types of kisses

Once in awhile, I come home wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders, completely down and out, and somewhat sure that my life is about to come crashing down around me. It's just a tendency I have during certain seasons in my life and many times, I'm rather inconsolable until the circumstances around me start changing for the better.

It was on one of those days, I walked through the front door and saw my wife inside with my older daughter. She took one look at me and she knew what I was feeling (somehow she always picks it up straightaway). She never asks me what's wrong, just walks over, gives me a peck on the cheek, then turns around and tells Nat, "Papa had a bad day, come and give him a kiss".

Nat would run over squealing in delight, give me a hard hug and an even harder kiss on my cheek.

One day I was thinking about it and realised how significant those two kisses were to me.

The first kiss lets me know that I'm going to make it, no matter what tomorrow holds. The second kiss manages to extract a genuine smile from my face on a day when I feel like I'll never be able to smile again.

One kiss reminds me about hope. The other, about joy.

How can I not love my girls with everything I have?

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Random conversations

I really enjoy the conversations I have with my wife.

I keep hearing people saying that it’s almost impossible for friends to progress to romance because it’s too weird. I always get puzzled by this because the wife and I started out as friends, progressing to close friends and I am truly grateful that I can spend the rest of my life married to my best friend.

I also hear so many stories from people who need to have a close group of friends outside their marriage where they can let loose and be themselves. When they get home, they have to ‘behave’ and hide parts of themselves from their spouses. It’s difficult for me to understand this because my wife has seen me at my worst and also my best, and I think I’m far more ‘obscene’ around her than anyone else…no one else would understand it or accept it anyway!

OK, I shouldn’t go too off tangent. I had two conversations recently with her which made me crack up.

The first conversation was in the car where one of the games we play is to say a familiar word and the baby would repeat after us excitedly.

Me: Papaya
Baby: PAPA…YAAA!
Me: Banana
Baby: NA…NANAAA!
Me: Yay
Baby: YAAYYYYY!
Me: Yes
Baby: YEEEESSHTTHH…
Wife: OH NO, our baby has a lisp!!!
Me: -_- No…she’s just learning how to talk.


The second conversation was regarding a movie date we were planning one Friday night when our daughter was going to a birthday party with her grandparents and we would be free. I had called in the afternoon to list out the movies we could watch and told her that if possible I wanted to catch ‘Here comes the boom’, a comedy about MMA.

She called again in the evening right before I left work to confirm plans.

Wife: So what’s the plan tonight?
Me: We’ll go for a nice dinner somewhere and then ‘HERE COMES THE BOOM’!

(I was quite excited since we hardly ever have a date night and the movie trailer looked rather funny.)

Wife: Erm…OK. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Me: …‘Here comes the boom’ is the movie I was telling you about just now.
Wife: Oooooohhhh.

In the end, we didn’t even manage to go for dinner or the movie because on the way back from work, the grandparents called and told us that the baby has a slight fever so we went over, picked her up, and spent the night taking care of her.

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Fitness conversations

I had two conversations with my wife this week relating to my fitness initiative. Here's how they went.

Over dinner, I asked her whether my body has changed since I started exercising over a month ago.

Wife: "Well..." (Long pause)

I leaned forward, eagerly anticipating her answer.

Wife: "Your tummy is not bulging as much?!" (Emphasis on the word 'bulging')

I didn't know whether to be encouraged or to cry.

Then last night, I stood in front of the mirror, shirtless and in my 'muscleman' pose, trying to observe if there had been any changes.

The wife walks into the room, sees me and we had the following conversation.

Me: I can start to see some changes in my stomach. I think it's more defined.
Wife: Let me have a look.

She looks long and hard for about 10 seconds.

Wife: Are you tensing your stomach?
Me: Yeahhh... (Looking sheepish)

I stop tensing and after she sees the result, she proceeds to fall down laughing for a good 10 seconds.

Upon seeing my hurt expression, she says sorry and asks me to to tense up my stomach again. She then looks long and hard at my stomach for 10 seconds.

Wife: Are you tensing yet?

I was crushed.

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Starting later

Nowadays, people seem to be getting married later and later, and correspondingly, many are having kids later or not having any at all. And you have to wonder, is this a good thing?

My parents got married at 22, had 4 kids and are doing just fine. Of course, they’re still coping with empty nest syndrome now that all of us have moved out, most in other countries, but I wouldn’t mind being in the position they’re in when I’m their age.

They both have flexi work hours which allows them to take their morning hike near the rubber plantations every morning. They have enough cash to travel and holiday whenever and wherever they want (this allows them to visit my siblings whenever they want). They can live completely spontaneously, going to the movies whenever they feel like it or taking a road trip to Raub if they miss the curry there. And they could start living like this after my brother went to Ireland for college 6 years ago.

Now imagine that they had gotten married and had kids later, let’s say their first child at 35 years old, which is pretty normal today. By the time, that child finishes college, they would be 57 years old, and if they had any other kids, they would be well into their sixties before they can start enjoying the next phase in their lives.

So why are people ‘starting later’?

1. Career and finances are king: I don’t think that building a career and finding a partner are mutually exclusive. Both can be important and both can balance each other out. I think that most girls would be happy to find a man who is career driven as long as it’s not the only focus in his life.

2. The loss of ‘freedom’: Apparently, getting married younger and later on, having children, means you lose your freedom and corresponding happiness because of all the restrictions. I feel it’s bollocks – getting married and having kids can release such purpose and joy in your life; it’s how you choose to be whether you’re single or have kids.

3. Needing to have your ‘ducks in order’: This applies to many couples who are delaying getting married, year after year. Needing to get everything in perfect order with the home, the finances, the fat bank account, the car…come on, if you’re sure that you’ve got the right guy, get married and don’t wait 7 years. Have a simple, cheap wedding if that’s all you can afford. Same goes with having kids – you don’t need to have that college fund saved up before you have a child.

4. Needing to ‘feel’ ready: The world really operates too much on ‘feeling’ nowadays. I believe it’s the cause for a lot of broken relationships and marriages. Why the heck would feeling be the foundation for so many of the major decisions in our lives? These decisions should be made based on commitment, honour and choice; not how someone feels at a certain point or season.

5. Not wanting to ‘settle’: These people are always holding out for something better, believing that accepting what they currently have would shortchange their options for joy and happiness. But consider this, many of these people I’ve met are not happy and content anyway because they’re always looking at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. At the same time, unless you’re called to be single, I sincerely believe that there’s few greater joys in life than sharing it with a companion and having children to raise.

I know that many people won’t agree with what I’ve just written and I fully understand that there are perfectly legitimate reasons for not getting married or having children, but I just feel that the general trend is not necessarily the best one.

If the guy you’re dating does not fulfill one or more of the ‘non-negotiables’ and is a complete ass, you probably shouldn’t even be dating him in the first place.

If you are called to singlehood and you’ve made that sacrifice for God, hey by all means, honour that covenant you’ve made with the Almighty.

If you can’t even take care of yourself and function properly in terms of putting food on the table and keeping the home relatively clean, and are deeply in debt due to a gambling problem, yup, maybe you shouldn’t have kids yet.

But in a normal situation, I honestly have a bias towards getting married and having kids…

Just do it.

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The correct partner

In order to make a marriage work, it is as important, or maybe more important,
to be the correct partner than to find the correct partner.

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Hardwired

I recently read an article detailing a study on where men and women were interviewed to see how they ranked criteria in finding a mate. In general, men were wired to be most attracted to beauty, and women were wired to be most attracted to social standing and wealth.

It might sound shallow but there's a proper rationale for these results. Men have learnt over the years to appreciate and be attracted to features of beauty which originally represented better chances for having children. And women have always been attracted to one who could provide and protect the family.

But in this modern day and age, it feels somewhat unfair when you think about it. What if a woman were born ugly or a man born into an exceedingly rich family?

However, on the whole, it seems more unfair to the female species.

A poor man can work hard and find a way to accumulate wealth and social standing as he grows older. A woman is bound to age and at some point, no amount of botox or plastic surgery is going to help.

Therefore, if a woman hasn't found a man by the time she reaches the end of the 'shelf' age of her beauty, chances are that she won't find a mate as cruel as it sounds. And you still see butt ugly older men being able to find (and keep) gorgeous women.

Life's pretty unfair at times, isn't it?

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What it takes

Sometimes you wonder what makes a relationship and marriage work.

In college, you get used to seeing couples get together and break up at will, switching partners quickly and not approaching dating with a lot of weight and commitment. It's so common it doesn't even affect you when you hear about it.

But as I approach the end of my 20s, I start seeing so many situations where marriages fall apart, divorces happen among people I know, and people in long-term relationships and engagements call it quits after being together for six or seven years.

And although I don't necessarily apply it to myself, I still feel a bit unsettled when I see couples, whom I thought were quite solidly grounded, choose to walk separate ways despite circumstances such as having young children whom they are responsible for.

As a person who has only been married for nine months, I have to admit that I'm still a complete rookie and amateur, and I look up to people who have been there and done that, and who show the way on how to have a successful long-term marriage.

It affects me when I see people discard what they've tried to build over long years for a new girl or guy who holds the promise of treasuring them better...for a season. They are willing to sacrifice the years of investment in that relationship and even the children they have raised as a result of the marriage for that new hope that the grass is indeed greener on the other side.

Why does it seem like so many treat it so lightly? Almost as though it's a joke. Marriage...sacred? Nah, it's a legal contract for as long as the two parties are 'happy'.

There probably isn't a black and white answer to what makes one relationship work and another to fail but there are good guidelines to follow which at least gives you a fighting chance of making it last that ever after dream. There are never any full guarantees but it helps if you don't stack the odds against yourself and commit relational suicide.

I think that the first thing to realise is that relationships are difficult and challenging. There is no such thing as a relationship that is always easy to maintain over time. It takes consistent hard work and a desire to honour God through your actions and intentions.

It's also important to know and set your non-negotiables. If he's the perfect guy except that once in awhile he drinks too much and beats you, that's something completely unacceptable. Ever. If he constantly lies about where he goes and what he spends on, and you find out he's been hiding a massive credit card debt, it's a big red flag. If both of you are devout believers of different religions...

Compatibility also plays a big part. Some people believe that as long as two people constantly have the mindset of wanting to work things out, they will always make it. This may be true to a certain extent but it makes it exceedingly tough when you are both on different wavelengths and are unable to function together as a team. And when I say compatibility, I'm not talking about sexual chemistry.

Maybe most importantly is how you've built your relationship step by step from the foundation up. The time you've spent communicating and understanding each other, facing conflicts and issues head on to reach a positive balance, developing your own individual character and capabilities, and making the decisions and sacrifices which honour God and each other every day. The ongoing pursuit of getting to know each other and building intimacy in the relationship without getting complacent.

These are the things which I feel form the basis of why a relationship have lasting success and finish the race but the tough part, as always, lies in the day to day practical application.

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Financial compatibility

Not surprisingly, this is one of the areas which is often not dealt with properly before a marriage because it's not easy to have an honest conversation with another person about personal finances and it can be rather uncomfortable.

Many couples go into marriage not fully knowing each other's financial foundation and mindsets; as long as they are able to afford the marriage and maybe the home, it is often assumed that this is sufficient.

But then suddenly one party finds out that another one is in debt, does not care about loose spending habits or has a secret stash that is accessed everytime a shopping impulse comes even though some of the basic household items need an injection of funds, and it all starts to come apart.

At the end of the day, I believe the issue isn't even about money within the context of marriage; it's about trust. And the different areas of life such as finances, career, religion (among many others) need to be aligned with a strong basis of trust between the couple.

I have quite a few relatives who married men in serious debt without realising it. It was only after the credit card companies and loan sharks started chasing when they realised it, and they are now still paying off their husbands' debts today and regulating any spending of their spouse.

What couples need to realise is that the rules change when you're married and have a family. Significant financial decisions need to be discussed before proceeding, even if one party likes the other person to make all the decisions relating to money.

There needs to be accountability in what one earns and spends but it doesn't necessarily need to be micromanaged (unless the situation is one where a party has unmanaged debt and lacks self control in spending). I know couples who just assign certain bills to each other based on their respective incomes and then for any remainder, it can be spent however each party wishes - this works if there is trust and all the basic budgets are worked out such as what goes into bills, savings, etc, and just means that there is a budget for 'personal spending'.

It goes back to trust and if someone starts finding out that there are things that remain covered up, that trust erodes. Communication is key before and after you get married no matter how uncomfortable it is, and honesty in that communication is integral.

Before you get married, you will need to have some proper in-depth discussions about debts, spending habits and mindsets and savings (without going out there and demanding him to show you the money, please). Watch out for red flags such as debt, sudden influxes of unaccounted wealth, if one party always overrides another when making a financial decision, and if one party insists that it is his or her right to remain secretive about their personal finances.

After getting married, I think that there needs to be an intentional regular session to discuss money matters, maybe once a month. Some financial goals for the family are to be worked out, such as buying their first home, saving for a major investment, a baby fund, or a college fund for a child. Then the regular meetings are to look at the progress towards reaching these goals, and modifying spending as necessary.

Don't fall in the trap of not wanting to be involved just because the other party is much better in handling the area of finance - it is always good to have the communication and accountability, even if one party takes lead in it.

And if you find out that your partner is persistently lying about finances, maybe it's time to consider whether this is the right person for you because you are already losing one of the pieces of trust in the area of money.

How many pieces are you willing to sacrifice?

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Marriage

Do people still believe in marriage in our generation?

And when I say marriage, I'm referring to the idea of a lifelong institution of commitment where a man and a woman choose to share their lives together.

The more I hear from friends and acquaintances, the more I realise that it seems like more and more of our generation are becoming increasingly cynical and fearful of marriage as a sacred commitment.

I'm afraid to even imagine how the next generation are going to be dealing with it...

And as divorces go up, less marriages in general, and more live in partners start occurring, the example that we set for the next generation continues to be less and less credible in terms of the concept of a family unit.

Someone posted the following article (Death of marriage) on facebook and immediately had friends liking it and stating that marriage is really due to societal pressures rather than for yourself.

Call me an idealist and unrealistic but I completely believe in the idea of marriage. I grew up in American international schools where so many of my friends grew up in single parent households and so it's not that I've not been exposed to the cynicism and perspectives that marriage is not worth it because so many fall apart.

Marriage is a lifelong commitment. There are not many things I look forward to nowadays more than going home to my wife. The wedding is ultimately not for society and not even for the parents and family - it is a covenant made before God that I consider even more important than getting that legal parchment signed and approved.

Is it more important to be married under the eyes of man or the eyes of God? Is marriage a holy and sacred covenant, or is a legally binding contract that only lasts as long as both parties are willing?

This is not to say that every marriage is going to work out or that if you believe in a romantic, idealistic concept of marriage, it's going to work out for sure. A marriage is also hard work. It's grueling and means that sometimes the couple will have to walk through mud together, and face incredible challenges from time to time.

Isn't it better then, to make sure that you try to stack the odds in your favour rather than against?

If you don't believe in it, how are you going to make it last when the trials of fire come? Or do you believe that in a great marriage, there are no horribly challenging periods at all?

If you're living in with someone whom you're not married to, you lose part of the foundation that you're building with the person...the foundation of self control, self sacrifice and treating the act of joining as husband and wife as something sacred and beautiful.

If you keep dating around and keep switching anytime something is difficult without persevering, you'll get used to having a way out and the thought that maybe there's someone better out there for you. Human nature loves to have avenues to feel that the grass is greener on the other side, but the truth is that the grass is greener with the person whom God wants you to be with.

I'm glad for some great examples in my church of lasting, God-centered marriages (although I'm not so blind to think that there are no divorces in church). I'm just saying that there are those who choose to light the way of what can be and how to head in the right direction, no matter how many times you stumble.

I hope that I can eventually be one of those examples that fight against the way the world is flowing by standing up for this beautiful gift that God has given for us to take care of.

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