Flux

Flux: To be in a state of continuous change, instability, unrest and flow.

For the longest time, it has felt like a sustained, unending season of flux for me. So much has felt uncertain and out of my control, not only in my external situations, but even more so in my inner being.

At 41 years of age, I would have wished to be far further along in my maturity, character development and wholeness as a person but it's become clear that I'm a terribly slow learner in this particular aspect of inner growth.

As yet another season of raw self-awareness kicks in, I'm left grasping at two things.

Firstly, a state of flux means that I still have the potential to change. The pain of being in a season of transition and self-dissatisfaction gives me a footing and motivation to try to do something about my undesired status.

Secondly, being in this season really reveals who my true friends are. They are those who see beyond my weak moments and inadvertent reactions, and believe in the person within. When I want to give up, they are the ones who continue calling out the person God has created me to be.

What more could a man ask for in this season? In Christ, this is more than enough: the hope for change and the companions who stand by my side.

I'm more grateful than words can express.

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2023 Reflections

Dear Sarah,

Every year, you grow in such beauty, depth and grace. And this year, I had the incredible privilege of seeing you step out with so much courage into a new season of studying, knowing that it would be a strain on you as a mother, full-time student and pastor.

I've seen God use it to draw out so much of what He has placed within you, and also how you are growing in your belief that He has called you and is preparing you for amazing things ahead. So many have already been impacted by the compassion and tenderness that you have journeyed with them.

I'm so grateful that I get front row seats to witness how God is going to grow and blossom you into the person He has created you to be. You're the best part of my life.


Dear Nat,

It hasn't been an easy year, has it? You had to say goodbye to some of the closest and most supportive friends you've ever had in your life, and move to a new school to start all over again.

At the same time, your ballet involvement has put even more strain on an already difficult season. I still can't wrap my mind around you needing to go for nine classes a week during competition season!

But Nat, you made it through. It's never easy as a parent to see your child cry, but when I see the person you've grown to be this year, I feel that maybe it's all worth it. You're stronger, smarter and more beautiful after facing and overcoming so many challenges.

I'm proud to call you my daughter.


Dear Sam-Sam,

You're still the most giving and compassionate one in the family. This year, I saw you have moments of making more choices for yourself and they were uncomfortable because you were wondered if you were being selfish.

But let me assure you that it's perfectly fine to sometimes consider yourself since you're a person that naturally thinks of others first. Without taking care of yourself, how can you continue to bring the best of yourself to the world?

Thank you for being the best older sister Ally could ask for, and the best friend and confidante that Nat-Nat will ever find in her life.

You are so treasured in this family.


Dear Ally,

I think I've been unfair to you this year and I'm sorry. I realise that I've been holding you to the same standard as your older sisters, and sometimes I forget that you're quite a bit younger than them.

As a parent, it can be more convenient to set the same expectations for all your children than trying to explain to the older siblings why the youngest gets more grace. So more often than not, I've taken the easy way out.

But looking back, it has caused you to question your place in the family when you can't match the standards expected. You've had to play games and do activities meant for older children just so you could feel a bit more accepted by your sisters.

Next year, I know what I want to do more. Let's spend time together in a way that lets you enjoy and discover yourself as a child. My very beloved and precious child.


Dear Roger,

This year, more than any other, you have felt the paradox of life as a Jesus follower.

It has been a season of such flux and crushing, both in your identity and in your circumstances, but in the midst of intense uncertainties, you have also come to a deeper sense that you are closer to the God's will for your life than ever before.

It has been a season of invisibility and insignificance, but what would have destroyed the previous man who needed to make sense and see validation in everything, has instead started to teach you how to wait and be just a tiny bit more malleable in character.

In many ways, it should have felt like a wasted year by the world's standards because of how little fruit you saw and experienced, but somehow, I can sense that you feel a deeper appreciation for God's hand, love and grace upon you and your family.

What a year. May you continue to be found grateful, not because of anything you've done or achieved, but because of Christ in it.


Love,

Papati

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Letter 1 (A)

Dear Ally,

At some point, you’re going to grow up, discover my blog and ask yourself why I had written letters to your sisters from even before they were born, when you don’t have a single letter to your name.

To this, I would respond, “Look at your mummy, is she complaining that I haven’t written any letters to her? Of all people, shouldn’t she have the most right to ask for one?”

And I will also respond to you…“I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I had kept up my blogging discipline because I do want to leave some of these letters for you. I hope you can forgive me.”

So here I find you on the cusp of turning four years old. You started kindergarten just over two months ago, and you have been so, so brave. Unlike your two older sisters, who are wimps, you haven’t shed a single tear since the first day of school, walking in everyday like you own the place.

I guess that this is why we call you the gangster of the family. We have Nat the princess, Sam the joker and Ally the gangster. I hope that you don’t feel insulted because that’s not our intention. You’re clearly the fiercest and most stubborn of our family, and that can be a good thing too.

I’ve seen you hold your own when other kids try to snatch your toys or bully you. I’ve seen you perfectly content to play on your own without having to have someone else befriend you. I’ve seen you stand up for another and for what you believe is right and fair.

There is so much toughness in you and I believe that it will continue to be a big part of who you are as you grow up. My hope and prayer is that you will learn to use it for good, to protect those you love and to fight for what is right and just.

And there is so much gentleness in you as well that often remains hidden. Last night, you surprised me. You stood at the doorway as though deciding whether to show your softer side while I was reading in bed.

“Daddy…my throat really hurts.”

You’d been having the flu for a couple of days. I put down my book and held my arms wide open. You ran to me and jumped into me, hugging me as hard as you could for many long moments.

These were precious moments to me. You see, you’ve previously only looked to get this type of assurance from mummy and turn to me mainly for fun. But there was no resistance as I gently hugged you, stroked your back and comforted you.

It revealed to me the side of your heart that gets buried under your 'thug' persona. And it revealed to me that you still need me as a father in more ways than I had originally thought. It was an important reminder and I will make this commitment to you.

Anytime you need me, if at all possible, I will be here for you every time.

I love you so much, my little gangster baby girl.

Your dad.

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2019 Goals Review

In the beginning of 2019, I wrote a list of ten achievable goals to try to hold myself accountable to over the course of the year.

1. Write a 50,000 word novel
   
2. Sign up and train for the Stan Chart half marathon
   
3. Read one book a month regardless of genre
   
4. Go for one camping trip
   
5. Do a proper workout three times a week
   
6. Play badminton with my daughters twice a month
   
7. Lead worship with a guitar once
   
8. Date night with wife once a month
   
9. Teach one Equip class
   
10. Set up a weekly fitness community at church
    

The first goal to write a novel was probably my most ambitious one. Interestingly, it's also the only one I 'outperformed'. I wrote a 50,000 word novel but I'm quite disappointed with the second half so I'm going to go back in this year to rework it before even thinking about my crazy dream to get published one day.

The reason why I over-performed was because I also started writing a fun fan-fic, which I've been updating from time to time with no pressure on writing quality. For this webnovel, I've actually written...73 chapters amounting to 146,000 words. The story's terrible but it still took a ton of time and effort!

The Stan Chart half marathon goal was a complete failure. I got put on the lottery list and was not able to secure a place in this popular event. In the end, the inability to sign up for a bib meant that I had absolutely zero motivation to train for running for the entire year.

For my third goal, I read a grand total of zero books across twelve months. That's all I'll say about that.

As always, Jerangkang was amazing, and a powerful reminder of the beauty of God's creation before man inevitably destroys it. My next goal will be to bring my wife and kids to a camping trip this year but I'll look for a 'soft landing' location for their first experience!

For my workouts, I most likely only managed to hit my weekly target around 70 percent of the weeks this year. Better than nothing, but definitely could be improved.

In terms of my badminton sessions with the kids, I only managed three or four times across the entire year. This is revealing, not only for this sport, but that I need to spend more quality time with them this year. I won't get these years back.

I led worship once at prayer meeting with a guitar, and another time in Kidz Church. Not sure if that counts, but I probably won't do it again unless I dramatically improve my skills.

For my eighth goal, I probably didn't fulfill this...since the wife and I work in the same office, we have breakfast almost every weekday but I'm pretty sure 'date night' for her is more like the dress up, romantic dinner out without kids, type. Plenty of room for massive improvement here.

Regarding Equip, I actually taught two classes this year, each of them four weeks long: The Millennial Question and Intro to Counselling. Pretty happy about it but for this year, I'm hoping to do a more theological topic.

Finally, we set up a regular fitness community in church called Healthy Thursdays, where we had decent consistency. We'll continue this year.

All in all, I think I achieved more of my goals for 2019 than any other year before but it's also because I set the bar pretty low. I know people always ask you to aim high but I'm not sure if that works well for me in the context of yearly resolutions.

Cheers to another year of low expectations and low targets for 2020! I'll write them out...soon.

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For the sake of the call

I love this man.

Although I only grew close to him this year, he's left an indelible mark on my life and on my heart. The many breakfasts, classes, hangouts after lunches, one to one coffee sessions at Doi Chaang, and student council meetings. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a spiritual father.

This has been a year of storms. Going in full time was the craziest, most foolish thing I've ever done in my life. And I thought I had counted the cost...the ballet classes I wouldn't be able to afford sending my daughters to, the sedan car that I can't even fit three car seats across the back, the cancellation of cable and WIFI, the lost moments and time with my children over each weekend.

How desperately wrong I was.

Making the decision to go full-time and to set my life apart for Jesus, is so much more different than walking the full-time call everyday, and keeping my spirit sensitive and vulnerable in every season. The things I had to struggle most with were not even directly linked to my full-time call but to events and people outside of my control.

It came to a point where I was breaking down and wondering how I was going to go on. I remember my exact words in prayer to God one day, "I gave up so much time with my kids for this shit? I'm done." See the depths of my unholiness and unfaithfulness...

Then along comes this man, puts his hand on my shoulder and asks, "Are you all right? Let's go out for a drink." In a season of such confusion and pain, he was a rock of encouragement. At a time where I felt so wretched and such a failure in how I was responding to circumstances so soon after going in full-time, he told me he was proud of how I was getting through it and that it was with more maturity than he would have expected.

He had a gift for seeing the good in people...in honouring the good in people. He told me I was dealing with it in the right way and that I would come out of it. He could see the best of my future, the best of who I could be, and talked to me as though it were already a reality. How do you respond to someone who is so authentic and sincere in believing in you? How can you imagine a reality of letting someone like that down?

And at the end of each session at Doi Chaang, he would give me a hard hug and say, "You know, by sharing so openly, you have given me the right into your life. So I'm going to be calling you out often to check how you are, I'm going to be bugging you constantly to make sure you're all right." I never knew how to respond. I'm the one taking up his time, his energy, his love...and he's apologetic that he's going to be disturbing me? This was the grace he showed to ensure I wouldn't feel like I was imposing on him.

If not for him, I honestly don't know if I would still be walking this journey that only started at the beginning of this year right now. It's only been a year but he's impacted me for a lifetime. My prayer now is that I can honour him in how I carry out my call. His life is one that has been poured out like a drink offering and may my life be a response of faith.

I thought the picture on this post was so appropriate. He's gone ahead of us and as we look forward towards his broad back which carried so many of our burdens and times of weakness, he turns his face ever so slightly and whispers that he has finished the race and is waiting for us at the finish line. May we all strive to be as faithful to our call in Christ.

Pr Lim, you will be dearly missed. Wait for me and may I make you proud. Farewell for a season. I love you.

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