Lead me

What a week it has been so far. I've gone through a whole variety of emotions and I'm starting to feel completely wrung out inside.

Last Saturday night, my pastor asked me to get involved with the preaching for this coming weekend. It would be my first ever time. And I didn't realise what it would entail.

I had thought that preparing for worship leading was stressful enough. But I had absolutely no idea, did I?

I've had more anxiety attacks this week than I can ever remember. It has consumed my thoughts every waking moment and I have woken up in the middle of the night thinking about it. I go to sleep in cold sweat and wake up with dread remembering that it's coming up soon.

My wife, who has a lot more experience in this than I, told me her sermons are usually around 3 Word pages. I've already written out almost 10 pages and I still have so much I want to add to it. I've chopped and changed it a few times already, and expect to continue to do so.

Sometimes as I get through a few pages, I feel like I'm more prepared than I've ever been and that some of the stuff in there is pretty decent. Then I read it through again and I feel like scrapping the whole thing and starting from scratch because it's complete crap.

I feel bouts of panic of going up there and completely screwing it up. Then I spend time in worship and prayer, and gain confidence in Him...only to feel completely unworthy again a few hours later when I think about it.

There were times, as I sat in my cubicle at work, I'd be taken back to a past memory in my life which I could share about. It would be so vivid and affect me so much that I'd rush to an empty room and stand there with tears forming in my eyes. As if my colleagues didn't find me weird enough already...

I don't know. I really don't know how to do this.

But what I do know is that I'm going to give it my all and that there's so much I want to share. I can only hope that I keep my heart open and allow God to guide me every step of the way.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Categories: Church, Life