Not surprisingly, this is one of the areas which is often not dealt with properly before a marriage because it's not easy to have an honest conversation with another person about personal finances and it can be rather uncomfortable.
Many couples go into marriage not fully knowing each other's financial foundation and mindsets; as long as they are able to afford the marriage and maybe the home, it is often assumed that this is sufficient.
But then suddenly one party finds out that another one is in debt, does not care about loose spending habits or has a secret stash that is accessed everytime a shopping impulse comes even though some of the basic household items need an injection of funds, and it all starts to come apart.
At the end of the day, I believe the issue isn't even about money within the context of marriage; it's about trust. And the different areas of life such as finances, career, religion (among many others) need to be aligned with a strong basis of trust between the couple.
I have quite a few relatives who married men in serious debt without realising it. It was only after the credit card companies and loan sharks started chasing when they realised it, and they are now still paying off their husbands' debts today and regulating any spending of their spouse.
What couples need to realise is that the rules change when you're married and have a family. Significant financial decisions need to be discussed before proceeding, even if one party likes the other person to make all the decisions relating to money.
There needs to be accountability in what one earns and spends but it doesn't necessarily need to be micromanaged (unless the situation is one where a party has unmanaged debt and lacks self control in spending). I know couples who just assign certain bills to each other based on their respective incomes and then for any remainder, it can be spent however each party wishes - this works if there is trust and all the basic budgets are worked out such as what goes into bills, savings, etc, and just means that there is a budget for 'personal spending'.
It goes back to trust and if someone starts finding out that there are things that remain covered up, that trust erodes. Communication is key before and after you get married no matter how uncomfortable it is, and honesty in that communication is integral.
Before you get married, you will need to have some proper in-depth discussions about debts, spending habits and mindsets and savings (without going out there and demanding him to show you the money, please). Watch out for red flags such as debt, sudden influxes of unaccounted wealth, if one party always overrides another when making a financial decision, and if one party insists that it is his or her right to remain secretive about their personal finances.
After getting married, I think that there needs to be an intentional regular session to discuss money matters, maybe once a month. Some financial goals for the family are to be worked out, such as buying their first home, saving for a major investment, a baby fund, or a college fund for a child. Then the regular meetings are to look at the progress towards reaching these goals, and modifying spending as necessary.
Don't fall in the trap of not wanting to be involved just because the other party is much better in handling the area of finance - it is always good to have the communication and accountability, even if one party takes lead in it.
And if you find out that your partner is persistently lying about finances, maybe it's time to consider whether this is the right person for you because you are already losing one of the pieces of trust in the area of money.
How many pieces are you willing to sacrifice?
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