I have a confession to make. I just realised that I haven't been spending a lot of quality time with Nat lately.
And until yesterday, I honestly didn't think it was that big a deal.
I mean, it's not like we haven't been having quality time as a family.
We recently got back from a 3-day holiday to Genting where one of the main priorities was for Nat to enjoy the indoor theme park and arcade rides. We go out regularly to the mall and when visit my parents' home, they always have some creative game or fun task prepared for her. I've also made sure to not get too caught up with work and have been able to go back home to be with my kids almost every evening for dinner.
So I thought this was enough...
But despite all this, Nat's been really quite challenging to parent. She is constantly deliberately disobedient, very whiny and clingy, and sometimes acts out physically by hitting whoever tells her no or even mildly scolds her.
And because I'm the primary disciplinarian in the family, she gets it a lot from me. Every time she throws a tantrum or refuses to eat her food or plays too rough with Sam, I step in and try to correct her. More often than not, she reacts very badly to the slightest discipline and then I have the choice of whether to really clamp down and be serious, or to let it go.
As I reflect back the last month or two, a lot of my interaction with her has been as an authoritative disciplinarian. I'd get home after work and over dinner, tell her to eat her porridge and sit still. If we go out to the mall, I'd be telling her that Sam is drinking milk and mummy can't carry her. When we're ready for bed, I'd be telling her it's time to sleep and to stop fussing.
And it wasn't really changing how she was acting at all. She would just try to say and do the opposite of what she knew people wanted in order to provoke a reaction and to get attention. To get her out of the home, we have to pretend to leave and exclaim, "Wow! We're going to go play in church now with cheche Renee and koko Ryan. Too bad Natalie wants to stay home." And finally she'd run out as we were closing the door saying "NOOOOOOOOoooooohhhh...".
I still feel a pinch every time I come home from work because although she runs to me and exchanges a bear hug with me, she'd then say, "I don't love you, Papa". Every single time. And if I tell her not to say it, she'll say it more, over and over. Or she'd say, "look at this pretty shirt I'm wearing. Popo gave it to me, not Papa", with so much emphasis that spit would fly in my face every time she said 'popo' or 'papa'.
Yesterday, I got back home by 6:30pm and since the sun was still out, I decided to take her to the playground on impulse. I haven't taken her for almost two months because she's been sick for the two months with flu, throat infection and cough, and I didn't want to strain her physically while she was recovering.
And for the 45 minutes we spent together, she reminded me once again of who my little girl was. She was perfect. And there was no pretense in it at all. I had been so busy with life that I had completely forgotten this side of her for months.
We played and we talked and we walked. She tried all the different playground equipment although she was a bit more tentative this time round because it had been awhile since she played on them. And we took a long walk around the field just enjoying each other's company while we argued about whether birds slept in trees or on the ground.
Not once did I even come close to scold her or warn her or discipline her. She was simply wonderful to be around and I was sad to see the sun go down signalling the time to go home.
I suddenly felt guilty that I hadn't spent any one to one time with her for so long even though it's been one of my priorities as a father. I can make the usual excuses that she was sick and that I was busy, or even that I was already ensuring the family as a whole had quality time together.
But the relational dynamics are so very different when it's just me and her. It was as if she was freed to be herself without having to feel that she was competing for anyone's attention; she had my full focus, while doing something she truly enjoyed. The situation gave her the opportunity to show that her true nature is inherently 'good' although it's been increasingly hidden under all her tantrums.
As I carried her home, she kissed me on the cheek and I asked her, "do you love me?", which usually results in an immediate "NO! I DON'T LOVE, PAPA!" But this time, she looked at me out of the corner of her eyes and shyly whispered, "yeah". And when we sat down for dinner, she finished her porridge with almost no fuss at all.
Of course, by the time it was bedtime, she reverted to her fussy, whiny self again so I'm not expecting that my one to one dates with her are going to be some miraculous, all encompassing, behaviour-changing solution. But I do know that it matters a lot to her.
It matters that I spend that time with her where she doesn't have to share me with anyone else. It matters that she knows that I find her worthy enough to have my undivided attention on a regular basis. It matters that she sees how much I care for her in both my words and my actions.
And I don't think that this necessarily applies for every child in the sense that one to one time is essential for their sense of assurance and security that their parents love them. Some kids would probably get along just fine with quality time being shared among the whole family.
But there are others, like my daughter, where it will truly make all the difference.
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