Quality time

I haven’t been able to spend much time with my daughters lately. And recently, I had the chance to compare rather extreme scenarios which helped me to understand just how important quality time is for children.

From the final quarter of last year, I went through a season where I was unemployed for six months, and then in a freelance work-from-home job for another three months. So all in all, I was spending a TON OF TIME with my girls.

I would drop Nat at school and then take Sam out for breakfast. I would pick up Nat and head to the mall to hang out for a couple of hours. Or I’d drop her off and head out to have lunch with my wife.

Then over a month ago, I started a new job which requires full-time hours in downtown KL. Suddenly, I could no longer pick up my daughter from school or take the other out for breakfast. At the same time, especially recently, so many of my evenings have been set aside for church ministry.

It has taken its toll tangibly…

The kids have been acting out with more tantrums. The way they react to instruction is more defensive and rebellious. They are a bit more reserved at times in how they receive hugs and love. They are purposefully naughty to seek attention.

On one hand, I know that they need to adapt to a new balance of how much time and energy I can spend with them. But on the other, I realise how much my presence means to them.

This means I need to be far more intentional in the time I have with them. I don’t have the luxury of ‘checking out’ emotionally to wind down and recharge. Or catching up on a TV series while home. Or even maxing out on my fitness regime each week.

It definitely has not been easy.

Especially when I’ve been hearing regular comments from friends and family members that they have been naughty, that they need more boundaries and discipline, that they need more ‘character building’. And especially when I feel somewhat responsible.

I’m committing to three things to be intentional about.

1. To spend at least two weeknights a week at home with family.
2. To take my wife, Nat and Sam out on one-to-one dates at least once a month each.
3. To read a book to them before they sleep whenever possible.

I’m praying that it will make a noticeable difference in the coming weeks.

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Her first week of preschool

We survived.

*Deep breath*

It still hasn’t hit me that we’ve survived the first week.

I know there are some kids who will be able to adjust their first couple of days at school easier. Nat’s not one of those children. She’s extremely sensitive, highly emotional and reactive, and very resistant to new situations.

No matter how much we prepared her, it was always going to be a challenge. Over the last three months, we’ve brought her for a Saturday morning music class. We also expose her to Sunday school at church. And my wife has even accompanied her a few times for a trial day at the preschool.

But dropping her off on her first official day, leaving her with her teachers and walking away was always going to be an emotional train wreck for Nat.

The bad: She cries at night before she sleeps thinking about school the next day. She cries when she wakes up and refuses to put on her uniform. She cries in the car all the way to preschool and when I drop her off. I’ve never seen her cry so much and whether I care to admit it or not, it affects me.

The good: If what the teachers say is true, she stops crying 20 minutes after I leave and doesn’t cry for the rest of the day. They are surprised that she can speak so well and has been starting to be friendlier as well. And when my wife picks her up after, she’s not been crying; she excitedly tells her mummy all about her day every time.

The bad: She hates me. I’m a horrid father. As much as I dislike it, I’m the enforcer in the home. So if she doesn’t put on her uniform, I come with a cane and ask her, “Do you prefer daddy with the cane to put on your uniform, or mummy with her hugs?” And when I drop her off, there’s no extended goodbye; I give her one hug, one kiss and hand her over to her teacher, then I walk away without turning back. From the beginning, she’s never even called out to me, she’s just screaming “I want mummy” because she knows she’ll get no sympathy from me.

The good: None. What can be good about her hating me? At least she’s not one to hold a grudge and is still happy to see me and talk to me when I get back from work…

The bad: So many people are concerned about her and don’t want to see her go through what seems like a rather traumatic season.

The good: She’s coping far better than I expected. For her to stop crying so soon after I leave her at the school and even have fun and start making friends there so quickly is definitely something I thank God for. She's always been so picky about who she befriends...

The bad: A lot of people have come up to me concluding that it’s way too early for her to be in school and that is the reason she’s reacting like this. There are many other comments and friendly advice from others but this one is the most common and has made me ask the question many times this week.

The good: Even after reflecting, I believe it’s the right choice for our family at this point of time. Nat has adapted faster than I could have imagined knowing her personality. I don’t think it would have been any different if I started her a year later; she’s always been like this. She’s learning new things, making new friends and comes home with so many happy stories to tell. I’m at peace with starting her this week.

I don’t know how long the crying will last. Maybe one month, maybe two. But I am certain that I’ll be following through with this all the way. All I can do is continue to be consistent and pray and trust God that He will bring her through in a positive way.

It’s probably a good thing that she starts to learn to cope with some ‘sadness’ since she gets her way all the time anyway.

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Preparing your first for your second

I have quite a few friends who are about to have their second child and some of them have shared concerns about how to prepare the first child for the arrival for the second and how to manage two children instead of one.

My first reaction as I thought back on the past, grueling year was, "We just...survive."

My second reaction was to think of the various techniques we tried with the older daughter; the gift exchange exercise, one to one dates with her, constant reassurance that she was loved, and involving her in caring for the baby.

But as I took a step back and reflected on it, I realised that there is one most important thing to prepare your older child; she cannot think that she is the centre of your life.

I know that this sounds counter-intuitive.

We literally turned our lives upside down when she came into our world, and now I'm saying she shouldn't feel like she's the most important thing in our lives, fully deserving of all our love?

Yes, that's right. She shouldn't.

And even before the second child comes along, she shouldn't feel that way.

First of all, you are at the centre of your life. Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing is absolutely key to you being able to take care of your family properly.

The second layer of importance isn't your children; it's your spouse. Your kids needs to be able to see this.

I learnt this the hard way when my daughter would run to me at the door, squealing in delight, and I wouldn't be able to resist picking her up and zooming her around the home. Five minutes of play later, I'd find my wife on the couch, arms cross, feet tapping furiously, and eyes shooting daggers into my soul...

Nowadays, I may still pick up my daughter at the door, give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, but then I'd put her down and tell her I have to greet my wife first. And I'm not shy to passionately kiss my wife in front of Nat (you can actually kiss passionately without tongue if that's what you people were thinking...).

Then when I'm catching up with my wife, both of us make it a point to tell Nat when she interrupts that we're talking to each other first.

I know this sounds cruel but it doesn't mean that I don't set aside dedicated, intentional time with my daughter practically on a daily basis. During those times, I focus on her fully - I read to her, tell her stories, ask her about her day, wrestle and tickle her, and really spend quality time with her.

The point is that she knows that there are just a few important things in my life of which she is ONE of them, and it's my prerogative as an adult and as her father on when and how I spend time and energy on those priorities.

Sometimes she wants to spend time with me but I've already set aside the pre-dinner time that day to do a 20-minute run to stay healthy. I would go on my run, then come home and have dinner together with my family even if she's been begging me to take her out 'kai kai'.

Believe me, a child won't fall apart if she finds out that she's not the most important thing in your life or if she finds out you don't love her more than everything else in the world. In fact, it can help to provide structure and clarity - she has no doubt that you love her but knows that there are also other things which merit your attention and love equally or even more.

Many times, because parents get too busy at work, we feel guilty and it drives us to put our children at the centre when we do spend time with them. It starts communicating an unbalanced message and the child builds up too much of a sense of entitlement and an expectation that they are in control of their parents' love.

To be honest, Sarah and I definitely haven't got it right yet...far from it. It's still a daily challenge to bring that structure into the family especially when I've been guilty about spending more time at work and less time at home. And for those who know Nat, she's also not easy to handle; she's emotionally reactive, very sensitive and a complete drama queen.

But all things considered, she's been able to cope with Sam's integration into the family relatively smoothly. She loves her little sister and takes care of her. She is comfortable with people showing affectation for Sam and doesn't act out because of it although at times she wants 'equal' treatment; if we're carrying Sam to feed milk, Nat wants one of our hands to be holding on to her as she lies beside us drinking from her own milk bottle.

So if I tell Nat that her mummy is my favourite darling, she's fine as long as she's also my darling. If I tell her that I love her and Sam Sam the same, she's completely happy and doesn't feel that she should be loved more than her sister. They may still fight over toys and who gets to be carried by which parent, but in her heart, I believe that Nat not only has a deep assurance of how much she is loved, but is also beginning to understand the structure around that love.

And I strongly believe that this has been the most important factor in preparing her for the arrival and integration of her sister.

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A dad is not a mom

Fathers and mothers are fundamentally different. Each has a different role and influence on how a child grows up.

It’s clear that the concept of fatherhood is under attack and this makes it just a bit harder for a man to step up in taking care of his children.

The way this is done is not to directly attack fatherhood itself because it would be a little too obvious but to target something far deeper and more powerful in a man’s psyche; his manhood.

There has been an active endeavour to separate the image of a nurturing father and a masculine man. Research which attempts to show a link between lower testosterone and higher oestrogen to more involved fathers. Studies which try to show that better dads have smaller testicles.

Subtly in the background is the implied message which almost apologetically pats you on the back and tells you, “It’s all right. You’re a great father. Even if you have small balls and low testosterone. Even if you’re the farthest thing from that idea of an alpha male which so many of your gender strive for. It’s worth the sacrifice because you’re an awesome father and your kids will benefit.”

There is something very broken and sad in this message. And one of the most painful places to strike a man is in his dignity and identity as a man and his manliness. Even more significant than his need to be seen as a good father is his need to be firstly validated as a man.

Small wonder then that so many men stick to what is more socially acceptable; to be the breadwinner and provider for the family, to come home and discipline the kids when they have erred during the day, to be the protector when the family is in physical danger.

It’s true that these are important things for a man to strive for, and part of a father’s core responsibility is to provide for and protect his family, but is that all there is?

I think part of the problem is that because mothers have taken on the parenting role with such gusto and natural ownership, the standard of good parenting is based on what moms do. So dads are expected to take on that softer, nurturing approach which is not necessarily what is needed at all.

My wife and I do the same activities for our daughters in vastly different ways.

When the baby poos, my wife carefully holds her over the sink, rinses with baby soap and warm water, dries with a fresh, soft towel, applies nappy rash cream and carefully puts on a new diaper.

When the baby poos, I whip out the wet wipes, use precisely three pieces to mop up everything, wrap it all up in the old diaper, snap on a new diaper and we’re good to go.

When my 2-year-old daughter poos, my wife uses the toilet nozzle to gentle wash her and then uses as much tissue as needed to dry her properly.

When my 2-year-old daughter poos, I make her stand in the shower stall facing away from me with palms on the opposite wall and I hose her down with the shower nozzle turned on full.

When my wife takes my daughter to the park, she walks hand in hand around for 10 minutes then quickly heads back home saying she doesn’t want her to be in the outside heat too long or be exposed to mosquitoes.

Whey I take my daughter to the park, I let go of her hand and encourage her to run up and down the hills and fields. We’ll come home an hour or two later with mud on her arms and legs, and an extra bruise on her forehead but with a big smile on her face.

When they run to my wife crying, she’ll immediately pick them up, embrace them, take on and share their pain, seemingly almost crying herself sometimes.

When they run to me crying, I’ll sit them on my lap and ask ‘What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?’ Then after they calm down enough to tell me, I’ll tell them, “It doesn’t look too bad. Come, let me give you a hug and you’re going to feel better.” Or I’ll say, “It’s OK to cry about big things but we don’t always need to cry about small things. This is a small thing. I’m going to get you a glass of water and it’s going to be all right.”

The point is not that a man should not be nurturing; it’s that you can choose to be a parent and still be true to yourself. You don’t have to model the ideal father based on the motherhood examples around you. A father doesn’t have to try to be a mother. (I’m not sure what happens in a single parent family but I don’t have experience in this area.)

And the point is that being a good father doesn’t have to diminish the masculinity of a guy. There shouldn’t be a trade-off and if there is, then your definition of a man is broken, not his manliness.

A man who is able to shed heartfelt, genuine tears when his child is seriously ill and he can only leave it in the hands of God for a miracle.

A man who is able to discipline his children firmly, spanking if necessary, and then taking the time after to explain and affirm his love for them.

A man who is able to look his son in the eyes and say, “You know what? I love you so much because you are my child”.

A man who makes sure he is at the front seat of his daughter’s musical production or badminton tournament, cheering and laughing the loudest, even when those sitting around are ‘shushing’ him and shaking their heads in disapproval.

A man who plays hide and seek, and when he finally finds his daughter, picks her up, spins her around then body slams her, Hulk Hogan style, onto the bed, tickling her until she concedes defeat.

A man who is not hesitant to admit when he’s made a mistake or a wrong decision to his wife and to his children. A man who is not afraid to apologise to them once he realises his error.

These are not men who are feminine or who have sacrificed their manhood to be fathers; these are men whom I’d envision true alpha males to be if they ever had children. These are the men I'd strive to be like as I go through my early years into parenthood.

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The absence of fathers

This infographic popped up on my Reader this morning and I found it good food for thought.

I know that Americans love their statistics and depending on how the numbers are crunched, numbers can be made to look a certain way. But the implications are still very real and highlights the importance of having a father functioning in a family.

At the same time, there are many situations where the father is the main breadwinner and has to spend a considerable amount of their waking hours chasing for the income which will put food on the table, a roof over their heads, and to put them through education. So it's unrealistic that he gets to spend a lot of time with his family.

I guess the real question is how much is enough? I know many fathers who start out with the right intentions but when they 'make it', they just keep chasing for more even though they have more than enough; they have defined themselves by their career success and taking any of that away strips them of their manhood and dignity.

To be honest, at some point, I believe that fathers need to be defined beyond the scope of 'the provider' and be an anchor in the family not only for financial stability but for all other aspects as well. It's not easy to make that transition if you've reached the point where you are already at the point where you've done an incredible job as provider and the family is living a lifestyle which hardly anyone else enjoys.

This is because it's easy to fall back into the comfort of the role you know you can do superbly well and also convince yourself that to reduce your focus on breadwinning may jeapordise the family's current lifestyle. But isn't having more than enough supposed to create a situation where you can truly enjoy being with your family without having to 'chase' for their necessities?

The right balance must be found for what constitutes quality of life.

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