I have quite a few friends who are about to have their second child and some of them have shared concerns about how to prepare the first child for the arrival for the second and how to manage two children instead of one.
My first reaction as I thought back on the past, grueling year was, "We just...survive."
My second reaction was to think of the various techniques we tried with the older daughter; the gift exchange exercise, one to one dates with her, constant reassurance that she was loved, and involving her in caring for the baby.
But as I took a step back and reflected on it, I realised that there is one most important thing to prepare your older child; she cannot think that she is the centre of your life.
I know that this sounds counter-intuitive.
We literally turned our lives upside down when she came into our world, and now I'm saying she shouldn't feel like she's the most important thing in our lives, fully deserving of all our love?
Yes, that's right. She shouldn't.
And even before the second child comes along, she shouldn't feel that way.
First of all, you are at the centre of your life. Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing is absolutely key to you being able to take care of your family properly.
The second layer of importance isn't your children; it's your spouse. Your kids needs to be able to see this.
I learnt this the hard way when my daughter would run to me at the door, squealing in delight, and I wouldn't be able to resist picking her up and zooming her around the home. Five minutes of play later, I'd find my wife on the couch, arms cross, feet tapping furiously, and eyes shooting daggers into my soul...
Nowadays, I may still pick up my daughter at the door, give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, but then I'd put her down and tell her I have to greet my wife first. And I'm not shy to passionately kiss my wife in front of Nat (you can actually kiss passionately without tongue if that's what you people were thinking...).
Then when I'm catching up with my wife, both of us make it a point to tell Nat when she interrupts that we're talking to each other first.
I know this sounds cruel but it doesn't mean that I don't set aside dedicated, intentional time with my daughter practically on a daily basis. During those times, I focus on her fully - I read to her, tell her stories, ask her about her day, wrestle and tickle her, and really spend quality time with her.
The point is that she knows that there are just a few important things in my life of which she is ONE of them, and it's my prerogative as an adult and as her father on when and how I spend time and energy on those priorities.
Sometimes she wants to spend time with me but I've already set aside the pre-dinner time that day to do a 20-minute run to stay healthy. I would go on my run, then come home and have dinner together with my family even if she's been begging me to take her out 'kai kai'.
Believe me, a child won't fall apart if she finds out that she's not the most important thing in your life or if she finds out you don't love her more than everything else in the world. In fact, it can help to provide structure and clarity - she has no doubt that you love her but knows that there are also other things which merit your attention and love equally or even more.
Many times, because parents get too busy at work, we feel guilty and it drives us to put our children at the centre when we do spend time with them. It starts communicating an unbalanced message and the child builds up too much of a sense of entitlement and an expectation that they are in control of their parents' love.
To be honest, Sarah and I definitely haven't got it right yet...far from it. It's still a daily challenge to bring that structure into the family especially when I've been guilty about spending more time at work and less time at home. And for those who know Nat, she's also not easy to handle; she's emotionally reactive, very sensitive and a complete drama queen.
But all things considered, she's been able to cope with Sam's integration into the family relatively smoothly. She loves her little sister and takes care of her. She is comfortable with people showing affectation for Sam and doesn't act out because of it although at times she wants 'equal' treatment; if we're carrying Sam to feed milk, Nat wants one of our hands to be holding on to her as she lies beside us drinking from her own milk bottle.
So if I tell Nat that her mummy is my favourite darling, she's fine as long as she's also my darling. If I tell her that I love her and Sam Sam the same, she's completely happy and doesn't feel that she should be loved more than her sister. They may still fight over toys and who gets to be carried by which parent, but in her heart, I believe that Nat not only has a deep assurance of how much she is loved, but is also beginning to understand the structure around that love.
And I strongly believe that this has been the most important factor in preparing her for the arrival and integration of her sister.
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