Thankful

"Blessed indeed is the man who hears many gentle voices call him father."

~Lydia M. Child~

There's been no greater adventure in my life than fatherhood.

These two little munchkins may have taken energy, finances and time away from me, but they've given so much more life than I could ever imagine. They are truly the two most incredible girls in the world.

As different as night and day but one is very much as precious as the other. Fighting each other every single day but so fiercely protective and loving of each other at the same time, they call out the other's name as they fall asleep and then smile when they wake up next to other.

What grace from God to allow them to be close in age so that they can grow up to be the best of friends. The older sister is already counting the days for the younger one to enter the same preschool so that she can take care of her.

I thank God every day seeing them grow up and fall in love with them even more as time goes by. They will grow up so loved and they will know it - I'm praying that as they comprehend it more, it will be a love that strengthens and helps them to grow in humility and confidence, rather than cause them to feel entitled or be spoilt.

There's something about hearing the words, 'I love you, daddy', gently spoken with complete innocence and sincerity. You can hardly find in adults anymore and it gives you hope for the human nature and condition, that we can always reach for something greater.

That it's within our capacity to be a better person if we can find the child in our hearts that is not afraid to explore, to love and to live.

I am grateful.

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3 things

There three most important things I learnt in my 20s:

1. You can't out-exercise irresponsible eating.
2. You can't out-earn irresponsible spending.
3. You can't out-pray irresponsible living.

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Preparing your first for your second

I have quite a few friends who are about to have their second child and some of them have shared concerns about how to prepare the first child for the arrival for the second and how to manage two children instead of one.

My first reaction as I thought back on the past, grueling year was, "We just...survive."

My second reaction was to think of the various techniques we tried with the older daughter; the gift exchange exercise, one to one dates with her, constant reassurance that she was loved, and involving her in caring for the baby.

But as I took a step back and reflected on it, I realised that there is one most important thing to prepare your older child; she cannot think that she is the centre of your life.

I know that this sounds counter-intuitive.

We literally turned our lives upside down when she came into our world, and now I'm saying she shouldn't feel like she's the most important thing in our lives, fully deserving of all our love?

Yes, that's right. She shouldn't.

And even before the second child comes along, she shouldn't feel that way.

First of all, you are at the centre of your life. Your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual wellbeing is absolutely key to you being able to take care of your family properly.

The second layer of importance isn't your children; it's your spouse. Your kids needs to be able to see this.

I learnt this the hard way when my daughter would run to me at the door, squealing in delight, and I wouldn't be able to resist picking her up and zooming her around the home. Five minutes of play later, I'd find my wife on the couch, arms cross, feet tapping furiously, and eyes shooting daggers into my soul...

Nowadays, I may still pick up my daughter at the door, give her a big hug and kiss on the cheek, but then I'd put her down and tell her I have to greet my wife first. And I'm not shy to passionately kiss my wife in front of Nat (you can actually kiss passionately without tongue if that's what you people were thinking...).

Then when I'm catching up with my wife, both of us make it a point to tell Nat when she interrupts that we're talking to each other first.

I know this sounds cruel but it doesn't mean that I don't set aside dedicated, intentional time with my daughter practically on a daily basis. During those times, I focus on her fully - I read to her, tell her stories, ask her about her day, wrestle and tickle her, and really spend quality time with her.

The point is that she knows that there are just a few important things in my life of which she is ONE of them, and it's my prerogative as an adult and as her father on when and how I spend time and energy on those priorities.

Sometimes she wants to spend time with me but I've already set aside the pre-dinner time that day to do a 20-minute run to stay healthy. I would go on my run, then come home and have dinner together with my family even if she's been begging me to take her out 'kai kai'.

Believe me, a child won't fall apart if she finds out that she's not the most important thing in your life or if she finds out you don't love her more than everything else in the world. In fact, it can help to provide structure and clarity - she has no doubt that you love her but knows that there are also other things which merit your attention and love equally or even more.

Many times, because parents get too busy at work, we feel guilty and it drives us to put our children at the centre when we do spend time with them. It starts communicating an unbalanced message and the child builds up too much of a sense of entitlement and an expectation that they are in control of their parents' love.

To be honest, Sarah and I definitely haven't got it right yet...far from it. It's still a daily challenge to bring that structure into the family especially when I've been guilty about spending more time at work and less time at home. And for those who know Nat, she's also not easy to handle; she's emotionally reactive, very sensitive and a complete drama queen.

But all things considered, she's been able to cope with Sam's integration into the family relatively smoothly. She loves her little sister and takes care of her. She is comfortable with people showing affectation for Sam and doesn't act out because of it although at times she wants 'equal' treatment; if we're carrying Sam to feed milk, Nat wants one of our hands to be holding on to her as she lies beside us drinking from her own milk bottle.

So if I tell Nat that her mummy is my favourite darling, she's fine as long as she's also my darling. If I tell her that I love her and Sam Sam the same, she's completely happy and doesn't feel that she should be loved more than her sister. They may still fight over toys and who gets to be carried by which parent, but in her heart, I believe that Nat not only has a deep assurance of how much she is loved, but is also beginning to understand the structure around that love.

And I strongly believe that this has been the most important factor in preparing her for the arrival and integration of her sister.

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Life

Life is precious.

I was reminded of this again this past week during the disappearance of the airplane MH370. Just like that, it vanished along with the 239 passengers and crew. I knew two of those on board and when I found out that there were people I knew, it really hit home.

We can feel like we’re so in control of our lives. We can schedule our days so precisely from the time we wake up to the time we sleep. We can do everything we can to ensure our safety and security. We can live a healthy lifestyle and have proper work-life balance.

But at the end of the day, it’s not always possible to control the situation around you; you can merely affect the probabilities of occurrences. The healthiest guy you know can suddenly be hit with invasive cancer and have four months to live. Even if you drive safely, you can’t control the other drunk driver who slams into you with his off-road vehicle.

The only surety in life once you are born is that you will die someday. Life is short and because of this, there’s so much more meaning in every moment that we’re alive.

To wake up in the morning and breathe in the fresh air. To have clean water to bathe and money to buy a Subway breakfast set. To be able to do a good day’s work. To be home on time for dinner, and be able to make out with your wife at the door when she greets you, then give your kids bone-crushing bear hugs. To dig in to a hot, home-cooked meal. To sleep in a soft bed with newly washed sheets.

There’s so much that we take for granted in our lives when every moment can be special. Reading some of the articles on deathbed regrets which have been going around, it’s clear that many of us are not living lives where if it ended today, we’d have little regrets with how we’ve lived.

It’s not even about doing crazy things like in the movies where people quit their jobs, go backpacking for six months in a foreign country, do bungee jumping and skydiving, and see all the corners of the world. If that’s what it takes for you to feel like you’ve lived fully, then some expectations need to be managed.

It’s about love. Being able to love those around you so fully without holding back. Love that changes people and hearts. Love that gives hope to the hopeless. Love that builds strong relationships. Love that leaves a legacy.

I think that’s what keeps me going when I want to give up. I think about those who mean the most to me. My wife. My daughters. My parents and siblings. My relatives. My friends. And I remember why I live and how I want to live.

I work so I can provide for my loved ones.

I let my wife and kids know they mean everything to me because…they do.

I serve in church because I love my Jesus.

I even exercise to stay healthy so that I have a better chance of seeing my future grandchildren get married.

And to be honest, it's also pretty much the only reason why I continue to write in this blog. Practically no one writes anymore. All my friends have stopped and blogging is a dying art. I get so busy and distracted from writing because it really does take time and effort.

But then I think about what would happen if something unexpected happened to me. I would want my wife to be able to read back and remember the things we went through. And more significantly, I would want my daughters to be able to grow up having a glimpse into my thoughts and my love for them, and hopefully be stronger for it.

This is the primary reason why this blog is still alive. It’s not to encourage the readers. It’s not to build up in order to monetise. It’s not even my original intention to help structure my confused thoughts anymore because I don't have time for such self-reflection ever since having kids.

Hopefully, it will become part of a worthwhile legacy to my children especially if I suddenly vanished for some reason or other.

In the meantime, I’ll be visiting my friends’ family tonight with no idea of what words to say.

Continue praying for the passengers MH370. Continue to believe and hope for a miracle.

Sometimes, hope is all we have left but if I were left with nothing but one thing, I’d want it to be hope.

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The absence of fathers

This infographic popped up on my Reader this morning and I found it good food for thought.

I know that Americans love their statistics and depending on how the numbers are crunched, numbers can be made to look a certain way. But the implications are still very real and highlights the importance of having a father functioning in a family.

At the same time, there are many situations where the father is the main breadwinner and has to spend a considerable amount of their waking hours chasing for the income which will put food on the table, a roof over their heads, and to put them through education. So it's unrealistic that he gets to spend a lot of time with his family.

I guess the real question is how much is enough? I know many fathers who start out with the right intentions but when they 'make it', they just keep chasing for more even though they have more than enough; they have defined themselves by their career success and taking any of that away strips them of their manhood and dignity.

To be honest, at some point, I believe that fathers need to be defined beyond the scope of 'the provider' and be an anchor in the family not only for financial stability but for all other aspects as well. It's not easy to make that transition if you've reached the point where you are already at the point where you've done an incredible job as provider and the family is living a lifestyle which hardly anyone else enjoys.

This is because it's easy to fall back into the comfort of the role you know you can do superbly well and also convince yourself that to reduce your focus on breadwinning may jeapordise the family's current lifestyle. But isn't having more than enough supposed to create a situation where you can truly enjoy being with your family without having to 'chase' for their necessities?

The right balance must be found for what constitutes quality of life.

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Bill Watterson's career advice

Bill Watterson is my favourite cartoonist of all time. In my Calvin & Hobbes collection, my favourite book is the Tenth Anniversary one because Watterson takes the time to explain his thought processes and the background behind some of the key cartoons he has drawn.

Recently, a cartoonist named Gavin Aung Than decided to pay tribute to Watterson by illustrating some of the messages that Watterson gave in his 1995 commencement address at Kenyon College in 1995, in the style of the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon strips. In it, he told students to follow their heart and their dreams, and not to prioritise financial gain. He even encouraged that there was nothing shameful about raising your family over chasing a career, and taking less salary to pursue your passion.

I'm so inspired by this man who has made such an impact on my childhood and I'm glad that a friend sent me the link to the strip below. (If it's too small to read, you can go to the site directly.)

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It's easy

This post has been stewing in my head for awhile (I’m weird like that) and I never wrote it out because I wasn’t sure that I made sense but I guess I won’t know until I pen it down.

In the context of fatherhood, it’s so easy to be a man.

If there’s a day I leave work on time and get home while it’s still sunny to bring my daughter to the playground, suddenly I’m father of the year. My colleague finds out and is amazed because no matter how much she asks her husband, he has not taken out their child once to the playground.

If someone finds out that I like to read my daughter storybooks, they are astonished and ask how I get her to sit still, what books are appropriate for such a young age and how I find the patience to do it after a long day of work. Honestly, if I make the story interesting and animated, she would love to sit on my lap every single day to listen to more stories.

If a friend hears that I regularly take my daughter on one-on-one dates, she can’t understand how because many fathers she knows have never dared to take care of their children alone, let alone taken them out to the mall. But these dates are truly some of the favourite moments in my life.

It’s too easy for a man to get the credit. I’m not a good father. I’m not a great father. I’m just being a father to my children, but in the society today, simply being present as a father seems to qualify me for some award.

It doesn’t even feel like a chore. I love spending time with Nat. Someone’s already done the hard work to allow me to then spend quality time with her. On working days, someone’s already worked out her sleeping and feeding routine, someone’s already kept her clean and in a good mood. Then I swoop in after work, take her out to a bookstore, buy her a present, then stop by McDs to share an ice cream cone.

And guess who gets all the recognition, all the praise and all the acknowledgement? Me. The father. The one who didn’t have to do any work, who didn’t have to expend much energy, but who took the child out for maybe two hours of fun. And guess what the child remembers about that day? That daddy came home to her. That he bought her an interesting book to read with lots of pictures and moving bits. That he sneaked her some ice cream even though mommy doesn’t encourage it.

That he cared.

That he found her worthy enough to spend time with her.

That there’s no place else he would have rather been.

This doesn’t make an awesome father. This just makes a father.

Something is seriously broken about the current expectation of how fathers should be.

Not for a moment do I believe that fathers love their kids any less than mothers. But I’ve seen so many men commended for spending every last ounce of their energy and time on building their career and finances at the cost of hardly seeing their children, and I can’t imagine anyone commending a woman if she were to do the same thing.

I’m going to go out on a limb here. Dads who don’t spend time with their kids are missing out on one of the most fulfilling and joyful experiences life can offer.

And cultural norms have already made it easier. It’s like getting a pat on the back every time you drive on the right side of the road or queue up properly at the grocery counter.

You’ll get a medal for doing what you probably should be doing anyway.

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A good man, a better father

Stories like this never fail to touch my heart and inspire me.



All too often, the only stories we hear about are of successes. People who have crawled their way through trenches, who have bounced back from failure only to reach greatness through grit, perseverance and ingenuity.

But while these achievements definitely help to inspire to reach for their dreams, the overemphasis on them can give an unbalanced impression that there are a lot more people succeeding than the actual reality.

And this is why I love hearing stories like this.

Just a regular, unassuming man struggling through everyday life. He works in a job he doesn't enjoy but it enables him to fulfill his responsibilities as a father. And when he goes home, he takes care of a daughter who can't take care of herself without any thought of what he could get in return.

Just an average, everyday hero. But his journey is no easier than those heroes we hear about conquering the world and living their dreams. And no less honourable.

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The first face

‘Face’ is very important to us Chinese and we always talk to about saving face.

And this has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m going to write about today.

But recently, while I was driving home from work, I was thinking about the ‘first face’ that you show your child and how important it is to them. Yes, I do think of very weird and random things when I’m stuck in traffic alone…

Particularly for young children, I believe that one of the ways you can build up their sense of self-worth is in that first contact you make with them after coming home from work.

Before you find out whether they were naughty or good that day from the babysitter. Before they act like an angel in front of you. Before they show or tell you the incredible things they achieved that day.

What is the face they see when you open the front door and they realise you are home?

Are you genuinely happy to see them, as though you had been anxiously waiting to see them the whole day, just waiting to sweep them up in your arms, give a bear hug and a big kiss on the cheek? Or are they standing back and waiting to see what kind of mood and expression you have on your face before approaching you?

And it’s not easy. Especially when your day at work was just pure crap and exhausting and tedious…There are times you want to just go home, ignore everyone and either vegetate in front of the TV or crash on the bed.

But on the whole, I’ve found it rather fulfilling to get my game face on before I walk through the door (even though I don’t manage to do it every day). It’s progressed to the point where many times when I’m driving home, I’m planning out a schedule of activities to make her face light up for the evening.

I’d be deciding on which park or playground to take her, whether to sneak out for ice cream after dinner (not too often, of course!), bringing her for a walk around the mall, or visiting my parents to surprise them. By the time I get home, I’ve got a whole agenda lined up.

And more often than not, it works.

In fact, I don’t remember one single time when we would get home after where she wasn’t bursting with laughter and impatience to tell her mummy everything she had done that evening.

Maybe once she stops appreciating these moments, I’ll feel more reluctant to expend so much time and energy on them. But for now, we’re having a blast.

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Father's Day

Father’s Day felt special for me this year. Nothing particularly significant happened during the weekend and I don’t think it’s attributed to any single factor, but I had a good one for a variety of reasons.

The weekend was about family

My company actually had a trip to a beach resort during the weekend and I had told them from the beginning that I couldn’t make it since I wanted to be home to help with the baby. I hadn’t realised it was Father’s Day weekend but I’m glad I stayed back.

Saturday started with a 6:30am 10km run with my father. As I ran alongside him, it really hit me suddenly how grateful I am that my parents are healthy and able to fully enjoy life and relationships. Then at night, there was a dinner with the wife’s side of the family.

On Sunday, my sister and brother-in-law visited, and we had a big dinner with my mom’s side of the family, along with my only surviving grandparents. It was wonderful to be able to bring Nat and see her interact with them, four generations apart!

I have an awesome father

I’m not shy to brag that no other dad compares to mine. I’ve never met a person who demonstrates more grace – no matter how much he gets backstabbed or cheated in the past, I’ve never once heard him judge the person or complain. There is absolutely no maliciousness in his nature at all.

And he has lived a life of sacrifice, always believing that you need to give your best in everything you do, and to strive for excellence no matter how small the task is. Even though he would be exhausted from work, he would spend time with each of us to take us through our schoolwork in the evenings, and take us out for sports and exercise every weekend.

Not once has he not given his family the very best he could in every way. And this is why, he’s always been my hero. There is honestly no one else I look up to more.

My two little munchkins

Spending time with them brings me joy like I’ve never experienced before. The sacrifice and tiredness that comes with parenthood is very real, but the purpose and richness that is added to daily life is immeasurable. To have people in your life that you would be willing to do anything and give everything is profoundly meaningful.

And it brings a new level of depth to the love and relationship between my wife and I as well. This is not to say that our relationship prior to having kids was shallow or superficial at all. But kids inevitably bring a new dimension – when I see her stay up through the night to monitor Nat’s temperature and when I cringe as I see her breastfeed Sam in the second week with cracked and bleeding nipples, I can’t help but fall more in love with my wife.

My Father in heaven

God has been so good in every way. Life has not often been smooth or easy, and many of the lessons I had to learn were exceedingly painful. But He’s been there throughout and having an unshakeable, infallible and unchanging point of reference has made all the difference for me.

I managed to make it to church for the first time since Sam was born and was reminded so strongly of the Father’s love for us. It meant so much to me that I could walk up to the altar with my earthly dad during the service, and stand and pray together as fathers. It was an important affirmation because there are still so many moments I feel so inadequate and insufficient as a husband and a father, and wish that I could be stronger or more mature.

So there you have it – four key reasons why I Father’s Day weekend was significant to me this year.

I leave you with three short advertisements that came out for the weekend that made me smile.

Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!

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The different types of kisses

Once in awhile, I come home wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders, completely down and out, and somewhat sure that my life is about to come crashing down around me. It's just a tendency I have during certain seasons in my life and many times, I'm rather inconsolable until the circumstances around me start changing for the better.

It was on one of those days, I walked through the front door and saw my wife inside with my older daughter. She took one look at me and she knew what I was feeling (somehow she always picks it up straightaway). She never asks me what's wrong, just walks over, gives me a peck on the cheek, then turns around and tells Nat, "Papa had a bad day, come and give him a kiss".

Nat would run over squealing in delight, give me a hard hug and an even harder kiss on my cheek.

One day I was thinking about it and realised how significant those two kisses were to me.

The first kiss lets me know that I'm going to make it, no matter what tomorrow holds. The second kiss manages to extract a genuine smile from my face on a day when I feel like I'll never be able to smile again.

One kiss reminds me about hope. The other, about joy.

How can I not love my girls with everything I have?

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Imperfection

I read the quote below earlier today and it really spoke to me. Maybe it's because I'm such a flawed creature, but I love that we can find beauty and strength in imperfections and limitations, rather than only focusing on perfection, performance and success.

And shouldn't it be appropriate that real-life experiences are more significant than the mediums we use to record them? Believing otherwise would be like a person visiting Paris and rushing all around to every museum to take pictures but not able to enjoy the richness of the experience.

Life is meant to be lived in the present, immersed in the fullness of 'now'. And mixing in a small dose of nostalgia and reflection is like adding just the right amount pepper and salt to a piece of steak, spicing it up to be fully savoured.

"Whatever you now find weird, ugly, uncomfortable and nasty about a new medium will surely become its signature. CD distortion, the jitteriness of digital video, the crap sound of 8-bit - all of these will be cherished and emulated as soon as they can be avoided. It’s the sound of failure: so much modern art is the sound of things going out of control, of a medium pushing to its limits and breaking apart. The distorted guitar sound is the sound of something too loud for the medium supposed to carry it. The blues singer with the cracked voice is the sound of an emotional cry too powerful for the throat that releases it. The excitement of grainy film, of bleached-out black and white, is the excitement of witnessing events too momentous for the medium assigned to record them."

~Brian Eno, A Year With Swollen Appendices~

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Valentine's Day

I think that one of the most common phrases I heard during the week of Valentine's Day was "Why do you need to wait for this day to come around to celebrate? Everyday should be Valentine's Day". I wonder if those who celebrated on February 14 ever felt a bit of a pinch every time they heard or saw this statement flying around. It's almost as though people are telling you that you didn't appreciate your partner on other days in the year enough.

But I don't see anyone complaining when you do something nice for your partner on their birthday or buy them an expensive present for Christmas. Which makes me think that these 'wet blankets' are actually focusing too much on the concept of 'Valentine's Day'. The focus should really be on the object of affection, rather than on the event itself.

In the process of a relationship, you're always going to have to regularly show sincere love and affection to your partner through both your actions and your words, and there will be different ways you can demonstrate this. Planning out a date night if you haven't gone out for awhile, giving a back massage when you know she has been stressed out or sometimes just holding his hand and letting him know that you're here for him. At times, there are different 'triggers' which remind you to show affection such as a birthday, Christmas and...Valentine's Day.

But despite what you do or when you do it, the whole purpose is to show love to your loved one. There's already plenty of reasons why people forget, sometimes for long periods at a time, to show affection and care. People get busy, financial problems or disagreements over small things which escalate quickly into full out arguments - relationships break down so easily nowadays and it seems so simple for people to get divorced nowadays when things don't work out.

Why discourage a day where people are reminded to love one another? Why knock it and make someone feel like they're using it as an excuse for not showing enough affection earlier on? Why don't we encourage the affection in a positive way rather than spout out ideals of which many of those shouting them out don't even apply them, or just pretend to? Every small, baby step to building something worthwhile should be encouraged and affirmed, even if it is triggered by an event.

On a personal level, I confess that I don't particularly like how Valentine's Day has been over-commercialised, with prices for things like flowers or a dinner at a nice restaurant hiked up a lot. I tend to avoid celebrating on the day itself and try to find the best time for both my wife and myself on a different day close to the date - this year we celebrated on 18 February. But if it truly, truly made her happy, I'd still give in and get whatever she wanted. Buying the diamond engagement ring was an example, or even during this Chinese New Year season, taking family out to restaurants even though I know the prices will be much higher.

I'm still learning more and more that my principles don't necessarily have to get in the way of the happiness of someone I love as long as I don't hold on to them just for the sake of the principle itself, but with the best interests of the other party at heart.

This is my valentine. See her dimples? It means she's happy. :P

I don't usually write much about my wife on this blog so I'll introduce her just a little bit.

We've been married for 2.5 years. We have a beautiful 1.5 year old daughter and another due in the first week of June this year.

She has the most gentle spirit of anyone I've ever met and has a truly good heart without hidden agendas or a malicious streak. She's always quick to love and accept, and slow to judge. She's an excellent listener and takes the time to hear you out before jumping in with comments or advice.

In our relationship, I'm the volatile, passionate one, and she's like a strong and steady anchor in any storm that life has thrown at us. She prefers to give than to receive. She laughs at my jokes even if they're not funny...at all. She's a calming influence in any situation I want to rant at something, like the car that just cut me off without signaling.

She loves God and loves people. She's the most amazing mother to my child...and future children. She's my closest friend and confidante. There's nothing in the world I enjoy more than spending a lazy day at home with her just talking and hanging out. She's my partner in crime, especially when we notice someone doing something funny; our eyes would meet and laugh, without the expression on the rest of our faces changing.

I've never been happier than during the years I've been with her. And I look forward to many, many more years together. I love that this is the person I'm partnering to build a family with.

She is my soul mate.

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Dare greatly

I love this quote.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.

~Theodore Roosevelt~

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Random Fact

My wife told me that she was running out of work pants to wear so I gave full consent for her to go out and look for new ones to buy.

The next day she came home with six new pants...or was it seven?

Two weeks later, we found out she was pregnant.

And two weeks after that, she could no longer fit in her new pants because of the way it placed pressure on her navel area.

Sigh.

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Vigilante

A vigilante: An individual or group who undertakes law enforcement without legal authority.

Over a week ago, I posted about the death of Amanda Todd. I was aghast at how cruel and malicious the cyber bullying and online harassment was which purportedly drove her to her apparent suicide, after earlier failed attempts.

One man in particular was instrumental in extreme harassment. He was a stranger who met her in a webchat when she was only 12 years old and managed to convince her to flash him. He then tried to blackmail her to do more and when she didn't, he sent her nude pictures all over the Internet. After her family moved to get away from it, he tracked her down again, set up a facebook page, using her topless picture as the profile picture which triggered another round of bullying and shame in her community.

So what would you do if you found out who this man was? What if you were the girl's father? Would you take matters into your own hands or leave it to the law who may or may not find enough evidence to take proper action?

This is what ran through my mind as I read through this article. Anonymous, a hacker group, has apparently traced the trail back to a 32 year old man from British Columbia, and posted his details resulting in e-mails and Facebook death threats to him.

Of course, if this were the wrong man, it would just be compounding the problem of cyber bullying and online harassment because an innocent man would be put through tremendous shame and pressure. Wrongfully. It may even result in someone taking matters into their own hands and doing something about it, whether by physical harm or even murdering him. Such is the outrage caused by this poor girl's story.

But let's say this is the right guy.

Would it then make it all right for him to be subject to the negative widespread stigma he is currently facing online? Or is cyber bullying wrong whatever the situation? Or...does he deserve far, far worse?

If I were the father of the girl, I honestly don't know what I'd do. I probably wouldn't care if he were exposed to online harassment or not. I'd follow up closely with the authorities to gather evidence, even reaching out to Anonymous to provide all the incriminating data I could find.

I'd try to find a way to get this guy locked away for as long as possible.

And if that didn't work, I don't know what else I could do.

Whatever a father's rage is capable of, I suppose.

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Cyber bullying

I watched a video today which sent shivers down my spine and broke my heart.

A 15-year-old girl in Canada posted up a video describing some of her experiences with bullying and has recently been found dead.

It's scary that just a few unwise decisions and isolated actions on her part resulted in such an extent of bullying and being taken advantage of. Not that I condone what she did but it did not warrant even a fragment of the treatment she received.

It's scary that the connectivity of the Internet and of social platforms such as Facebook can be used for so much good, and at the same time, be the catalyst for something so horrific.

It's scary how cruel the new generation can be. I mean, I've been bullied in school in the past, physically and verbally, but when kids can hide behind a computer screen or even an alter-identify online, they can truly get carried away in how malicious and vicious they can be.

And most of all, it scares me that I have to raise my daughter (and future kids) in this world where the rules of the game have radically changed, not least by the technological progress.

I have no doubt that the peer pressures that my child will face will be many times more than what I went through. And similarly, the social pressures I faced were also more than my parents' generation who were more concerned about survival than fitting in.

But a case like this should never have happened. Amanda Todd should be alive today. And there's no easy answer to how to prevent it - the responsibility lies with all of us; not just the teachers who enforce anti-bullying in the school compund, not just the parents who raise their kids in this connected world, not just the strangers who see the bullying happening online and have a choice whether to step in to do something or not...

I can only hope that if any of my children ever make these kind of mistakes, they can trust me enough to open up to me and then we try to work out a solution together, following through all the way.

My prayers are with Amanda's family.

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Finishing strong

I’ve started to appreciate the concept of finishing strong quite a bit more ever since I began the ‘exercise more regularly’ initiative in August.

The way you finish can significantly determine the quality of your workout.

When I first started doing the Insanity sessions, I would try to push as much as I can but many times I’d feel like vomiting and have to stop before I even reach the halfway mark of the video session. Nowadays, I listen more to my body and pace myself at a level which gives me a good sweat out but yet allows me to reach the last part of the workout, where I give it my all.

It’s the same when I jog. I really don’t enjoy it so to keep going more than 5 minutes is a true mental obstacle to be overcome. But no matter how many stops, starts and rests I’ve had, when it comes down to that last lap, I push all the way, faster and further than earlier in the session.

There is an immense difference in the final quality of the workout.

I end each session bathed in sweat, panting, with my muscles screaming. I’m on a high mentally because I know that at my body’s most fatigued point, I gave one last, big push and I overcame the last, ambitious goal.

I’ve tried doing those pushes at the earlier or middle parts of the workout but the result is not the same. There is something about the finish line that is so critically important.

And this applies to my life as well. The way I finish is so integral to everything I do.

In tough seasons, it’s what determines whether the purpose of going through it is realised and how powerfully. It affects what you actually learn and how much capacity you build.

At work and business, it determines the final outcome and success. Sometimes, even if everything has been done wrongly prior, a change at the 11th hour or a couple of all-nighters can turn around a failing project to be the best work you’ve ever done.

In ministry, Murphy’s law happens and nothing has gone right that week. Family emergencies, dropping the ball at work, your health breaks down, and the last thing you want to do is get up on stage and sing about the victory of Christ. But at that point when you feel beyond tired, you cry out to God and He moves in a way and anointing that you’ve never experienced before because it’s almost like He’s waiting for you to be emptied of yourself before He steps in.

And ultimately even in our walk of faith. We could have never found God our whole lives but if five minutes before we pass, we discover Him, and sincerely ask Him into our hearts, the same crown of salvation is bestowed as upon any believer who’s known God for their whole lives.

This is not to say that the start and the middle aren’t important. If you don’t start, you’ll never accomplish anything at all. And if you don’t go through the process, there’s nothing to consolidate at the end of the day that is of substance.

But the end is sometimes underemphasised. That’s what brings it together. I believe the learning happens mainly at the finishing stretch and not in the middle.

The point where you realise what it’s all been for and begin to step forward.

The point where you realise that there’s a bigger picture and embrace it fully.

Finishing strong. It matters.

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Falling

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Cornerstone

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus’ name

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong, in the Saviour’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord, Lord of all

When darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil
My anchor holds within the veil

Then He shall come with trumpets sound
Oh, may I then in Him be found
Dressed in His righteousness alone
Faultless, stand before the throne

This song has really been speaking to me this season. Along with some other songs, it’s one of the few that I’ve had looping on my music player everyday as I go through my work.

To be honest, it’s kept me going.

It’s not been an easy time at all. But this time, at least I haven’t retreated into my turtle shell until the storm blows over like I’m prone to do. I used to put an emotional wall between my situations and feelings, and I remember my mantra would always be “like water off a duck’s back”.

It’s different this time round.

When I’ve felt rejected or hurt by people, I’ve kept on loving.

When I’ve felt unappreciated and burnt out, I’ve kept on serving.

When I’ve felt a disconnect in where I fit into my workplace, I’ve kept my hands busy.

When I’ve felt like nothing’s breaking through in my side business, I’ve kept hustling.

When I’ve felt completely disrespected, I’ve kept leading.

When I’ve felt tired out, I’ve kept on planning fun activities with the family maintaining an active lifestyle.

Doing all this doesn’t make things easier by any means. It means digging deeper and pushing harder, it means waking up when it’s easier to slumber, it means going against what you would naturally feel like doing and taking the extra effort necessary.

And it’s been worth it. There’s not many seasons I’ve gone through in my life where there’s been a combination of rough, stormy seas and…so. much. joy.

The only reason is that Jesus is my Lord, my Saviour and my Cornerstone. He is my foundation and I find rest in Him. He is my only hope and I can be anchored in Him. He is faithful, trustworthy and so much grace is found in Him.

All glory to God.

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