In around one and a half months, I'm going to be a father.
Now that it's so close, I'm realising more and more that I don't have any idea what I'm doing.
I don't even consider myself a good husband yet, and before even having time to be the person I want to be, I'm going to have to step up to an even greater responsibility.
In my logical mind, all the things I undertook this year made a lot of sense. Moving jobs for learning and growth in order to have a better chance for my career. Selling my current apartment and buying a new one closer to the in laws for the sake of Natalie who will be taken care of by the in-laws.
Everything made sense for the sake of moving forward.
But heck...it's tough. When the wife is pregnant and about to give birth, I cannot properly express how important it is to have stability; a place to build a long-term home and set up all the new baby stuff, a job which is a known entity which can allow me to bring home the bacon and yet have the energy to pour out emotionally into my family.
Instead, I'm left learning a new role from scratch with no prior experience - on one hand it's extremely exciting and and on the other hand, I feel rather unsettled not knowing whether I can perform or even whether I know how to perform. Everyday is a challenging, grueling battle which is also thrilling and stimulating.
And in terms of home, I've found a new home but I can't set up anything - the S&P has been signed but the bank still hasn't approved the loan yet so until everything is concluded, there's no setting up home. I would like to tell you that the home sale is going smoothly but it's not - we've received many verbal offers, all of which got our hearts pumping faster, but none have eventuated as 'serious' buyers yet.
I was living in a dreamworld when I thought that everything could be settled by delivery time.
And now I'm just worried and needing a break.
I still believe in my heart of hearts that everything's going to work out well. It's just an issue of timing where everything hits you together, and learning how to, once again, bite down hard and just chug on ahead.
Last year was a really awesome year for me all round when everything seemed to come through relatively smoothly. It was as though it were the year of 'harvest' for all the things I had been 'sowing' in for years. It was the culmination of results for a lot of hard work and many things came to pass in my life.
This year, I really need to manage my expectations, put my hands back on the plow and push forward.
Life ain't easy, wasn't ever meant to be, and shouldn't be expected to be.
0 comments:
Post a Comment